Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014

When the Emergency Room doctor told me that I have a tumor

I stared at him. Probably thanks to the German stoic side of me. I was registering his words, but not his sentences. I heard “tumor”, “teratoma”, “specialist”, “biopsy”. 

Let’s back up. Tuesday morning I was admitted to the ER with abdominal pain. Pain that I had been having for a week. The pain originated in my lower back, and would shoot out to the right from my belly button. It went from Julius Cesar type stabbing to inner organs being twisted in a vice made of tiny nails. I was also spotting. (Which just the words probably make all men uncomfortable.) 

I should NOT have run the half marathon on Sunday. The pain debilitated me during the race, and only got progressively worse. I started to get nauseous the next 24 hours. 

Now you all know that I will push through any pain to workout. But Tuesday at 6 am after I put my sports bra on, I could not walk. The pain was so horrific that all I could do was curl into the fetal position. 

Into the ER I went. One of the horrible things you may have to do as an adult is check yourself into the ER and be there alone. It’s horrible. The pain is horrible, but the morphine helps. But still all I could think of was how alone I was, and how much I just did not want to be alone. 

2 different ultra sounds, a CT, blood, urine the whole works later - the doctor told me. The thing is, the pain is being caused by an inflamed appendix and intestine, but they can’t find out what is causing them to be inflamed. 

The tumor. The tumor is completely unrelated to the pain. Had I not gone in for the abdominal pain, they would not have found the tumor. The tumor could stay and make itself a nice little country house inside my body for years. I had no symptoms from it. The tumor is on the left side of my body, the pain on the right. 

I’m fortunate to have this discovered. Hopefully it’s in the early stages. There is only so much the ER doctors can tell. 11 hours later I was able to come home with pain meds, and referrals to specialists. 

I was lucky enough to get an appointment for this morning. Then when I got there, they told me that they don’t accept Medicaid. Everyone has different feelings about Obamacare. But as a recent grad with no full time job yet, I’m very proud and lucky to have it. I broke down in the waiting room. 

When you are told that you have tumor you think one thing. I thought, great there is this ugly meatball inside me, get it the fuck out. When you are told that the specialist can’t see you, you start to think about all the bad things associated with tumors. Like fucking cancer.

I was fortunate enough to get another appointment at a hospital with a specialist for Tuesday. It’s not too far. But I just want more information on this thing growing inside me. 

I’m not allowed to workout until further notice. So I wont be posting about my workouts - but I’m going to post more healthy recipes and hopefully that will help me focus on something else.

Now the reality has set it.

I’m crying a lot. I’m scared. 

Can I like rent a friend to come hold me -just as friends? 

I’m scared because I have no idea what is poisoning my body. And I want it out. If you read this all thank you. I just needed to get this out, deal with it writing style - a bit cathartic. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


She’s still got it. This is just a stunning track.

Monday, July 21, 2014

July 20 th 1969 : Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on Apollo 11. Neil Armstrong became the first to actually step onto the moon six hours after landing on July 21 1969.


July 20 th 1969 : Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin on Apollo 11. Neil Armstrong became the first to actually step onto the moon six hours after landing on July 21 1969.

Thursday, July 17, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014


Widowspeak - Full Performance (Live on KEXP)

Thursday, July 10, 2014


do you // spoon

download: amazon | itunes

Wednesday, July 9, 2014


8 July 2014
Indiana // Heart On Fire

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


Friday, July 4, 2014
Date someone who gives you the same feeling of when you see your food coming at a restaurant (via sarcasmfluently)
Thursday, July 3, 2014
You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. Tupac Shakur (via cknd)

(Source: CKND)


Reginald Garland - Chillin Out (Poolside Edit)

essential 4th bbq jam

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Sufjan Stevens - The Dress Looks Nice on You

I can see a lot of life in you
I can see a lot of bright in you
And I think the dress looks nice on you
I can see a lot of life in you

(Source: tevspiidacis)

Friday, June 20, 2014
Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. (via divine-consciousness)
Thursday, June 19, 2014

(Source: princesscheeto)